Nose Rings and Jelly Beans

 

When I was 21 I got my nose pierced and I kept it in for three whole months. Concerned that if I kept my nose pierced on an upcoming interview I wouldn’t get the gig, I took it out. The piercing closed up immediately, the interviewer had her nose pierced. I didn’t get the job. Is there a moral to the story?

All of my life I wanted to take risks, but I was too afraid that if I traveled throughout Europe for a year, I could lose it all.  If I was a little too loud or a little too crazy people wouldn’t take me seriously. I didn’t want to care, but I was internally bound to this script that I had planned out. But life doesn’t work in a predestined screenplay where a funny and charismatic J. Law acts out your every move. I know: Whyyyy notttt?

In my early twenties I began to feel like I was bursting at the seams and that my sense of purpose was skewed because I could no longer identify what truly made me happy. Is happiness being content? Is it making money? Achieving your dream job? Having a loving significant other, but you are unable to make time for them? I rationalized that if I put the time in now, it would pay off later. This was true, I was beginning to get everything I wanted because of my dedication, but the responsibilities began to grow, continued to grow, and the truth is, responsibilities will never stop growing.

After a bad flare in 2013 I felt an insatiable need to appreciate the life I had been taking advantage of. Ultimately, what does this all mean? If there is nothing to look forward to when it is all over, can I say I am satisfied with what I have done with the time I have been given? Disease makes you reflective. Flares make you exceptionally reflective.

I recently became inspired by a movie Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. This movie did not get the best reviews, but I enjoyed it because it made me question my life. If we had two weeks to live, everything was about to end, would I feel fulfilled? How would I spend my time? Did I accomplish all I wanted to do? Am I happy? Isn’t this life we live in such an unbelievable journey? And what if the time we have can be conceptualized by jellybeans?! (see me: click)

Recently I got my nose pierced. At 29. And then put a hoop through it. A real “F you” to the man- whoever the man is. My mom tilted her head the way a dog attempting to process a conversation might do.

Oh, honey, what did you do to your face?